it's been a really rough week for me... i think i was generally depressed this week... eek. i hate it when i get into those periods of depression, where i think i'm the most rotten person in the world... yet i don't show it on the outside... i'm just screaming out... maybe it's attention i'm seeking... i don't know... got into this lil quarrel with alice, which i thought was something really small... that got blown out of proportion cuz she's sensitive like that. but i guess i should've known... so yeah, i'm the WORST sister in the world... and she hates me. yes, she even writes hate poems about me... i think 9 out of 10 of her poems are about how bitchy i am, and how overbearing.. and she just wish i'd disappear.
sometimes, although it's messed up to think this way, i wish i had anthrax. that way, people wouldn't hate me as much, and i wouldn't feel so bad for being rotten since i'd die soon. and the sad thing is, maybe no one will miss me. yeah yeah, maybe for like a week, people will be in shock... jeyi is gone... but after 2 weeks or so... it wouldn't matter as much... cuz i was never around in the first place... it'd be less burden on my parents, my sisters wouldn't have such an "overbearing" sister... the world would be a better place without my existence. let's face it... have i done anything to make anyone's lives better, rather than a living hell? as a christian, i haven't made the impact on ANYONE. haven't spread God's love, haven't spread God's good news. rather, indulge in my own follies, and stupidity, and my own needs. but i guess dying would also be a selfish act... maybe i just want attention from others... maybe i just want people to treat me better, maybe i just want others to tell me i'm special. i'm selfish. yes. dying would relieve me of my student loans, my sins, and my unemployment status.
don't get me wrong. i am in no way suicidal. i would never do that. maybe i'm just in a somber mood... depressed mood... can one actually be depressed but still an optimist? or am i a pessimist?
nevertheless, i'm soooo grateful for my friends... i just want to take this time out to thank all of you who have either called me, im-ed me, or emailed me to see if i was okay from the accident and all... it brightened up my day, and put a smile on my face to see so many of you care about me... Thanx!!! i'm doing fine. i'm okay... but the person i want to thank the most is God. He gave me the sixth sense that day, and told me to be careful, and drive slower... He told me to pray and trust that He will protect me... it coulda been a really bad accident... but He was there through it all. I am BLESSED because of Him.
sometimes, although it's messed up to think this way, i wish i had anthrax. that way, people wouldn't hate me as much, and i wouldn't feel so bad for being rotten since i'd die soon. and the sad thing is, maybe no one will miss me. yeah yeah, maybe for like a week, people will be in shock... jeyi is gone... but after 2 weeks or so... it wouldn't matter as much... cuz i was never around in the first place... it'd be less burden on my parents, my sisters wouldn't have such an "overbearing" sister... the world would be a better place without my existence. let's face it... have i done anything to make anyone's lives better, rather than a living hell? as a christian, i haven't made the impact on ANYONE. haven't spread God's love, haven't spread God's good news. rather, indulge in my own follies, and stupidity, and my own needs. but i guess dying would also be a selfish act... maybe i just want attention from others... maybe i just want people to treat me better, maybe i just want others to tell me i'm special. i'm selfish. yes. dying would relieve me of my student loans, my sins, and my unemployment status.
don't get me wrong. i am in no way suicidal. i would never do that. maybe i'm just in a somber mood... depressed mood... can one actually be depressed but still an optimist? or am i a pessimist?
nevertheless, i'm soooo grateful for my friends... i just want to take this time out to thank all of you who have either called me, im-ed me, or emailed me to see if i was okay from the accident and all... it brightened up my day, and put a smile on my face to see so many of you care about me... Thanx!!! i'm doing fine. i'm okay... but the person i want to thank the most is God. He gave me the sixth sense that day, and told me to be careful, and drive slower... He told me to pray and trust that He will protect me... it coulda been a really bad accident... but He was there through it all. I am BLESSED because of Him.
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