damn you james. damn you ta heck!

who the fuck is psycho girl? can't even spell psycho? i hate people who hide their identity so they can trash talk me... whatever. screw you.

arghhhh.... i hate freakin high school girls and their gangs of dumbasses...

i hate waiting for a freakin parking space.

i hate bad drivers.

i hate people who steal parking spaces... especially men. who blatantly steal.

i seriously was about to scratch up this girl's lexus today... pop her wheels or something. shit. freakin made me wait forever, and then she comes out of her car to put something in her trunk... and then laugh and say "we're not leaving." the hell is wrong with her? damn h.s. girls who can't afford her own car, and must have daddy buy her a freakin lexus which she probably can't even drive. argh.... i hate high school asian gangster hoe wanna be schmucks with their stupid big fat Nautica jackets.

blatant lies.
covered oblivion.
bravity lost.
die.

yes, girls wanna have some financial independence. so hard to achieve in such a time, such a world.... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i have NO TOLERANCE for Male Chauvinistic assholes.

just cuz you're older dun mean nothing. you're stupid and annoying. GROW UP. not everyone needs to drink to have fun.... ass.

okay, i feel like blogging again... this is the most i've done in a while...

what ticks me. I HATE IT when people invite me to things where i wasn't part of the original plan.
it doesn't matter if you invite me afterwards. you don't have to feel obligated to invite me when you bring it up. i don't care. i wouldn't go anyways. it doesnt matter if someone forgot me on the original email... it's too late. i wasn't part of the original plan. and i will not take the pity invite and go. it's your fault you didn't remember me in the first place. messed up if you were one of my close friends. but i guess my close friends wouldn't do that to me. blah. that's just the way i am.

Dude, i sounded like a freakin psycho... hehe... just read my blogs again... ya know, it's a very dangerous thing writing when you're angry... all the bad words come out, and you really don't give a hoot. I'm such a rotten person... it's me against the world... sometimes i feel 2-faced... dunno... it's like with someone people i don't say certain words, and some people... i do... maybe it's just cuz i feel comfortable saying them... like i guess i would never curse in front of michigan ccf people... cuz they would just drop their mouths and whisper softly to themselves after taking a gasp... "the atrocity!!!"

maybe i should show the world the happier side to me... cuz i really am mostly happy. just my blogs are vehicles of emotions and burdens of anger... sigh...

Chris wants me to write a poem about her... hahaha.... i just can't. no happy poems here. Maybe I'll just write a short bio... hehehehe....

Who: Chris E. Cheung
Where: She can be found taking naps on the couch or her bed
What: She is a mean, green, baking machine!
Why: She's gotta an awesome heart, and an awesome forearm due to vball.
When: Err.... what do i write about? when will she get a bf? hehehe... not till after I get one!!!

Question: What kinda world do you live in when your sisters don't have your back?
Answer: Dunno. It's messed up. You should just go die.

Question: What kinda world do you live in when your sisters team up with your mom against you?
Answer: Dunno. That's So Fucked Up. It's not even worth living for. DIE.

I AM NOT SUICIDAL. I JUST WANT A LIL RESPECT!

you fuckin blame the world on me.
your failure to reason inside,
you're a whore.

the world does not revolve around you.
and i will NOT do things on YOUR time.
fuck you.

i'll go to work when i want to.
screw money. screw you.
leave me alone.

YOU are the reason for my INSANITY.

alright, who's the freak who saw me at Shabu Shabu???

if ya don't have anything nice to say to what i feel, what i am feeling, or what i felt. then don't say it. i don't give a shit about advices that my own conscience can tell me. screw the world!

and yeah yeah, the rest of you would be thinking... what's wrong with her these days??? she used to be sooo nice.... and now she's all shitty... and then try to talk to me, like my good old buddy chrissy... hehe... at least she freakin comes out and post me messages with her own NAME and not stay friggin anonymous so you can say your bullshit and not pay up for it. i don't take crap from anonymous people.

i love my mom. please. just can't stand her nagging.... like people don't complain about their moms all the time? BULLSHIT. I'm a real girl, living in the real world. so sue me.

parents. all they every friggin do is NAG... endless nagging... i hate it...

"you're not earning money, and you go out every week... when are you going to get a job? you and alice spent so much money last night. unacceptable. you go out and eat every week when you have no money. unacceptable."

shut up! all she ever wants me to do is to earn money, give it to her, and friggin STAY HOME. i think i've been a really good daughter... any other hoe would just go out no matter what. please. learn how to appreciate what you have!!!

dude! i'm shouting from the mountain top right now.... bursting with overwhelming joy that kinda just smacks you so hard in the face that you can't even take a breather, but still amidst gleaming!!!

so what is it, you ask??? hehehe.... okay, i know it's not that big of a deal i guess... but since those of you who read my blogs religiously know... i entered this poetry.com contest the other day... hehe, just cuz i wanted to get more member points on AA, so i can win the raffle for this mp3 player... okay, that was major tangent, so then i just picked a poem, and just submitted it... didn't hear from them until last week... they emailed me and said... they sent me mail about my poetry submission and that i would get it in 7 days.... so i waited... and tonite... i saw the envelope... why would it be so big if it was a rejection letter? maybe it's just an ad... so i opened it... and i'm a SEMI-FINALIST!!!!!!!!! wooohoooo..... at least i made it this far right? i would never have thought this could happen... damn... this is like the most excitement i get in one week.... or rather, a month! yeah, and so they're going to publish my poem in their next poetry collection book... "Under a Quicksilver Moon." I don't really care about the book, i just want to win the damn prize money... hehehe... $1000. yeah.... i would dedicate that to shopping... hehehe... okay, i'm just dreaming, but still... it feels good to be at least a semi-finalist right? hehehe..... DOPE.

oh yeah, which poem was it? SILENCE... check 9.14 blog if you don't know it already...

Instead of studying hard at work, I took a lil break and wrote another poem... yes, I am determined to win that Poetry.Com Contest once in my life... hehehe... i've submitted like two already... there's plenty of hate left in me... So i think i can continue my "anger" poems for quiet a while...

Running Tracks

i know not when i fell in love with that gentleness,
that sincerity that magnified each time you smile.
i felt warmth from your humor, even without embrace.
even so, i watched as i vaguely let go,
releasing sand not able to be held in my palm.
you no longer walk across my path.

though you often walk through clouds of dreams,
but still, not in my reality.
you left me without warning,
yet with one concrete answer... you've left me.
how you've hurt me, you'll know not how.
why you've brought chuckles, you will never really know now.
you've left your shadows in my past,
and wrapped ambiguity of the painful truth...
the abstract past, the abstract feelings, and the abstract us.
no longer will you walk across my path.

i don't feel like going to work today... maybe i should just skip it and go shopping! hehe... that'd be fun!

hehe, last night, i saw the nastiest thing on tv... jerry springer... man, this guy has all these nasty shows... well, it was an episode of nasty things... only watched the first family... that was sooooo sick... the mom has been sleeping with his son... that is soooo sick. she lost her husband 5 years ago... and like 5 months ago she started sleeping with him... ugh... nasty... and they were kissin on stage and everything... and she has no shame... she was like... i know how to touch him, i know how to make him feel good... blah... and that he fills her void.... puke me... something is terribly wrong with the son man... soooo nasty.... and then they wanted to tell the daughter that they've been sleepin together... man... the daughter was soooo ashamed, she didn't even wanna talk to them anymore...

maybe this ain't real life.. maybe this is all make belief... but still, it's so sick... it's a sick world out there...

another Monday.
another car accident.

$@*^#!?!?!?!

>LOVED

How does one love,
when they've never been loved?
How does one accept love,
when they've never felt love?
How does one share love,
when they've never been shown love?
How does one reciprocate love,
when all they've ever felt was hate?
How does one know love,
when the definition of love is blurred with hate?
How does one love,
when love is no longer love?

it's been a really rough week for me... i think i was generally depressed this week... eek. i hate it when i get into those periods of depression, where i think i'm the most rotten person in the world... yet i don't show it on the outside... i'm just screaming out... maybe it's attention i'm seeking... i don't know... got into this lil quarrel with alice, which i thought was something really small... that got blown out of proportion cuz she's sensitive like that. but i guess i should've known... so yeah, i'm the WORST sister in the world... and she hates me. yes, she even writes hate poems about me... i think 9 out of 10 of her poems are about how bitchy i am, and how overbearing.. and she just wish i'd disappear.

sometimes, although it's messed up to think this way, i wish i had anthrax. that way, people wouldn't hate me as much, and i wouldn't feel so bad for being rotten since i'd die soon. and the sad thing is, maybe no one will miss me. yeah yeah, maybe for like a week, people will be in shock... jeyi is gone... but after 2 weeks or so... it wouldn't matter as much... cuz i was never around in the first place... it'd be less burden on my parents, my sisters wouldn't have such an "overbearing" sister... the world would be a better place without my existence. let's face it... have i done anything to make anyone's lives better, rather than a living hell? as a christian, i haven't made the impact on ANYONE. haven't spread God's love, haven't spread God's good news. rather, indulge in my own follies, and stupidity, and my own needs. but i guess dying would also be a selfish act... maybe i just want attention from others... maybe i just want people to treat me better, maybe i just want others to tell me i'm special. i'm selfish. yes. dying would relieve me of my student loans, my sins, and my unemployment status.

don't get me wrong. i am in no way suicidal. i would never do that. maybe i'm just in a somber mood... depressed mood... can one actually be depressed but still an optimist? or am i a pessimist?

nevertheless, i'm soooo grateful for my friends... i just want to take this time out to thank all of you who have either called me, im-ed me, or emailed me to see if i was okay from the accident and all... it brightened up my day, and put a smile on my face to see so many of you care about me... Thanx!!! i'm doing fine. i'm okay... but the person i want to thank the most is God. He gave me the sixth sense that day, and told me to be careful, and drive slower... He told me to pray and trust that He will protect me... it coulda been a really bad accident... but He was there through it all. I am BLESSED because of Him.

EGGNOG.
who's had eggnog before? well... today... for the first time... at around 11:30pm on 12/7/01... i tried it... it wasn't half bad... just didn't like the alcohol part as much... too strong for a lightweight like myself... hehe... it was quite an ordeal... hard to make as well...

so it was me, greg, and louis, at greg's apartment... we had to stop by the liquor store and the supermarket for all our ingredients... Brandy, Hard Rum, Eggs, Heavy Cream, Milk, and Sugar. We had to whisk most of our ingredients... and i would say, by the end of our whole ordeal... Louis became quite the whisk-er. he sucked at it before, cuz he didn't know how to whisk... but by the end... he turned out cream into creem cheese... or perhaps more like a stick of butter... stiff. he over did it... so we had to add more milk and rewhisk... hahaha.... i think we spend more time whisking than drinking... took us over an hour whisking those suckers into shape... or as the instructions said... "beat it senseless."

So now, Greg has a pot of eggnog that serves 13 sitting at home... I have no idea what he's gonna do with the rest of it... probably sip it everyday for the next week or so... building his lightweight tolerance... yes everyone, GREG IS AN ALCOHOLIC.

Yes, I am guilty of this disorder...

Avoidant
Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.

dude! this is totally me!!!

If I were a work of art, I would be Piet Mondrian's Composition A. I am rigidly organised and regimented, although my cold and unapproachable exterior hides a clever way of thinking and a rebellious and innovative nature. A lot of people don't understand me, but I can still affect them on an emotional level. Which work of art would you be? The Art Test

words of violence
thoughts of murder
thrashing thunder
don't wanna hear you.

things on top of things... streak of VERY BAD LUCK. darn guy wouldn't pay me the money... wants to give me $150 for a $500 damage. the hell. so we're gonna do it through the insurance companies... arghhh... as if that weren't annoying enough... spent the whole day dealing with policemen.... went to the precinct to get a police report filed... i even drove to his place to show him the bumper fell... cuz he didn't believe me... cuz we didn't see it when he first hit me... argh.

as if this whole car accident thing isn't bad enough... the laundromat got robbed today... ARGH!!! and like freakin 10+ cops were there... i have no idea why they send so many when 2 coulda been more than sufficient... and so they were doing the fingerprinting... but couldn't find any fingerprints... so they had to let the guy go. and stupid old lady who saw him became unsure when the cops came. so we got nothing against him... damn. who in their right minds... does their laundry at the laundromat, then rob it... go home and change, and then come back to get their laundry. what a fool Angel Torrez.

arghhhhh.... i'm gonna shoot someone.... fuckin jerk won't pay me for the damages.

talk about luck. got rear ended in one car... and then freakin front-ended in the other car.... this is just not my day!!!

the fuck. i just got into a car accident... @#$@!!!! ARGHHHH.... this day is just not going well... and the sad thing was, i felt it coming.... that's why i drove a lil slower today... but it was just inevitable to escape... arghhhh.... arghh......

and to top it off, some fucker keeps screwin with my guestbook.

Let me tell you...
99% of "men" out there only want sex from a relationship.
put out or get out. how messed up is that?
FUDGE BROWNIES. PUKE ME.
I ain't no fool. I'll know he's a real MAN if all he wants is the REAL me.
Please. Don't PLAY yourself.

"their wombs fashion deceit..."

just read that in the Bible... human kind fashions deceit. it toils over and over again your trusting mind. what does it bring you in the end? nothing. deceit. fruitlessness. deceit. finite bewilderness, but in the end deceit. How untrusting of us with God, yet grabbing hold of the surreal. we make up our own truths. causing heartache and misery as we plead for that one drop of mercy to show us truth. tormented truth, outright truth, twisted truth of the truth. what lies ahead will only be deceit of men.