TWO
TWO
EIGHT

NATIONAL GREIVANCE DAY FOR TAIWAN

what should i give up for lent???

the thing I am obsessed with right now: Reality TV
the things I have been obsessed with always: AIM, and shopping

*** I can't really give up AIM though... cuz I need to use it for work... so maybe no AIM afterwork?? that's too easy. but then again, last time I fasted AIM for 3 whole days... and that was a total nightmare. I am an AIM addict. pretty bad huh? but then again, I don't have a lot of people to talk to on AIM these days... that would be too easy, wouldn't it?

*** Shopping... that's way too easy... I can stop shopping for a long time, and then splurge all at once... which is WAY too dangerous of an outcome.

*** Reality TV- not too many good shows on anymore... although I CAN'T wait to see Married By America.... who knows... maybe more of those good reality tv shows would come out in March.... that's way too easy to give up though... cuz I haven't watched any of the new ones yet... but can I resist??? or maybe I should give up TV altogether???

*** OR should I give up blogging??? wooooo.... 40 days without blogging. interesting. that should be a tough one.

*** WHY IS LENT SOOOOO LONG?!?!?!

---

On another note, I HATE, absolutely HATE, wrinkles in my bed!!! I got 3 nightmares last night because of wrinkles!! (well, or so I think...) wrinkles in my sheets and blankets just make me sleep in bad positions, cuz I would squirm around till I find a wrinkle-free zone. The wrinkles itches my bones... gives it this itchy yucky feeling that I can't scratch away. It is sooooo YUCK! I remembered 2 out of the 3 nightmares... and the worst nightmare of all... I was taking a math final that I couldn't finish!!! I always finish my math exams with ample time to double check my work!!! and I always know the answers!!! I am a math genius!! but I couldn't do a simple math exam... I think it was a math final from HS or something... something to do with percentages and fractions. That has got to be the worst nightmare I've ever had--- not knowing how to do something you're really good at. INTERESTING. I wonder what that means. My inner struggle for something... not being able to have a good job despite my mental abilities?? not being able to acheive my goals despite options laid out in from of me?

The second nightmare... I was getting yelled at by my cousins from Taiwan cuz I was out shopping, and didn't go back in time.

Third nightmare... I think I finally remember now... I was back in Taiwan with Louis. ahhahahaha.

I know most of America watched The Bachelor, Aaron and Helene Tell all--- I did.

Let me start out by saying... MEN ARE BASTARDS. Why do you waste our times if you are only interested in superficial BEAUTY??? All men care about is beauty. (maybe not my guy friends, but I can say... 90% of men are like this) All Aaron kept saying was how beautiful Helene is, and he's sorry it didn't work out. DID SHE NOT HAVE A PERSONALITY??? She has feelings, emotions, hopes, and goals too! She is not just a piece of MEAT. "She's beautiful." What the heck does that have to do with the relationship not working out??? He is truly a pig. Just like every men out there, he told her "I've lost feelings for you." What the heck was that? Why did he say he loved her? why put on a facad??? That is soo messed up. He was only in it for the physical aspects. Seeing Helene on television, and saying what she felt stroke a dagger to my heart. I felt EXACTLY the same, misled. "I feel very deceived by you. You've told me every single day that you love me, and now this is it?" "I can't turn my feelings on and off like that, I don't understand how he can." She had no say because he was the one that lost feelings for her, she can't do anything about it. paraphrasing--- "If I have my say, we would still be together... trying to work things out." Why are women so dumb??? Why do we fall for bastards? Why do we hurt ourselves unnecessarily? It's like touching a hot stove knowing you'd be seared, but you do it anyways. or knowing you'd get liver cancer, but you get drunk everyday. bastards.

.weighing on my mind.

I have a confession to make. About a week ago, I was sitting at my desk, enjoying my free breakfast. FREE you ask?? yes, FREE. This is what happened... I went to this korean deli for breakfast, picked up a marble cake and Vitamin Water.... koreans always rip you off of course (bastards)... it came out to... $3.50. damn expensive for breakfast... and I was resenting it, cuz it hurts so much to pay that much for breakfast! So I took out $4... and handed it over to this mexican girl that always works there. She was getting my change... $0.50. As she was getting it from the cash register... this guy that was next on line... came and started talking to her... so I guess she got all screwed up and gave me my $4 back along with the 50 cents. I took it and didn't say a thing... and left... I felt bad... but hey, koreans always rip me off, and free breakfast! I know i know... I should have gave the money back... but I didn't... I jetted outta there. I am evil!!!! So yesterday... I went to the deli again for breakfast... and.... the girl wasn't there!!! so i thought... maybe she's just sick... I hope she didn't get fired!!! Today... I went in to get lunch... she's not there again!!! She's always there. every morning and every afternoon. BUT SHE WASN'T THERE TODAY!!! Where is she??? Now... only the koreans work the registers... and my free breakfast costed the girl her job. I am an evil person, scoundrel of the Earth, I hang my head in shame...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

.fogs.
slow batting lashes, eyes open.
what lies before them, concrete reality.
tears blurred visions of truth,
whispered sorrows to the impaired heart.
rain muted replaying obstacles,
poured out misguiding road signs.
Trials are many, heart but one.

let it be known:

I LOVE RYAN SUTTER!

oh finally! it is working!!! waited a WHOLE day to blog on this crap!

So i had this funny dream last night... I was sitting on the floor next to a guy friend (I have no clue who he is, but he was a friend in the dream). and I think he wanted to ask a girl out or something... probably one of my friends... and he was just sitting there trying to decide, and talking to me, and a bunch of other friends... and then i just leaned over and drew on his white pad he had on his lap.... what did i draw? a swoosh. hahahahahaha! he got my message and bursted out laughing... and everyone else saw it and laughed also... and I was just cracking up at how smart I am. HAHAHAHAHA~! JUST DO IT!

one year ago today... I was at ITASA meeting the many men of my dreams... HAHAHA. yeah right.
one year ago today... was I happier?
one year ago today... I was single
today... I am still craving chocolate.

Perfection... or not...

This kills me. I am a perfectionist. Well, maybe not really? But it hinders my performances and my decisions. I need to be perfect in everything. For example, just a few minutes ago, my office in Guatemala would like me to give them a sketch of this long sleeve tshirt. So I have to draw one... but I just couldn't do it... and I refuse to give them an ugly drawing... so what do I do? I'm searching for all the past artworks in my file cabinet for a long sleeve women's tee... but to no avail... couldn't find one. so then... I remembered it was an Adidas shirt we wanted to knock-off... so I went to the Adidas website for the shirt, and luckily found something like it... and copied it from that. see what I mean? it drives me nuts. Took me sooooo long to just give them a stupid sketch!! Another example... I would never do anything unless I know exactly what I'm doing... I have to be the best. Like stocks for instance... I enjoyed the stockmarket ever since I was in 5th grade. (we had some stockmarket program at school for some reason...) BUT, I never ventured so far as investing real money. I would join etrade games and play, and train myself... and try to read up on trading and crap... OH! and this other time I had a chance to trade currency... given 25,000USD that I lost half of cuz I didn't make my decisions fast enough... cuz I was reading the DAMN book that I bought for it. I wanted to get the lingo right... I didn't want to sound like a fool when I'm buying and selling. And in Sports... I enjoy vball a lot, but I just ain't good at it. So I would NEVER play with the good people, and just practice at home. hahahaha. I am psychopathic. Oh, I remember playing in Michigan... with CCF people... and you can tell they hate playing with sucky people like me... But this one time, I remember Ayumi was there... I think she was not too good... but at least she encouraged me... unlike this lil HO that told me to switch places with her cuz she would be better at setting. GRRRR... I still hate that HO. she thought she was being nice to me... but what she was telling me was... you suck, and you're killing the game. HO.

Okay, all in all, I hate the fact that I am so competitive and sooo not-perfect. it drives me nuts.

***
This morning, I didn't have a seat again on the train... so I read the 2nd half of Daniel. It is some weird stuff dude. I wish I can have the courage of Daniel. A righteous man before the Lord falling prostrate at the sight of Jesus. That is some scary stuff. But Jesus gave him strength and courage to speak to him. Yes, I need strength and courage like Daniel. and I need to trust that God has provided me with strength and courage for my faith.

AHHH... nothing like SOUP NAZI's on a cold winter's day...

http://www.ofoto.com/BrowsePhotos.jsp?UV=236377968393_27452714205&collid=86039614205

the only thing I look forward to after waking up every morning is when I'll be able to sleep again.

LET.

GO.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.... finally!!! I got a check in the mail for $100 today. muhahaha. FINALLY!!! after 3+ years of fighting in the courts against SPRINT... I got my money! hahaha... it's not that much... but heck! that is a good amount... since I am mad poor! hahahaha. nice!!! Time to go SHOPPING!!!!!!!!!

Scariest thing happened to me on the train to work today... I was on the J... yes, my ghetto ass J train, and didn't have a seat the whole ride down.... I was starting to feel faint... and sweating cold sweat.... my vision started to go... and I'm thinking... oh no, oh no... and my hearing starts to go as well... I was trying sooo hard to stay alert... I held on to the pole really tight so I wouldn't pass out on the floor.... C'mon jeyi, you can do it... few more minutes till Canal St... Canal St stop came... tried to move, but I was sooo weak, and couldn't really see... I grabbed onto another pole to try to get myself off the train... okay, almost near the door... can't see at all now.... almost fell, so I grabbed onto anything that was in reach... grabbed onto some guy's jacket, I tried to let go, but I couldn't see... couldn't move... grabbed on even harder... the door closes, and the guy tells me to sit down... was blacked out for a few more stops... until finally... the last stop, I had to get off, and people were nice to me... they were gonna bring me to the booth and get paramedics for me... but luckily... I felt sooo much better... and can move a lil more... so I just hopped back on the train to go to work.... I still feel a lil faint though... I can't believe I'm at work!!!

ahhhhh... wo yao frolic zai snow zhong. wo bu yao work!!!

Funny dream I had the other day...

We were all at ITASA Columbia 2003... but somehow it was at my house?!?! anyways... so it was me, les, karina, ruth, jon, greg, louis, and the Itasa chairperson. We were talking to him about the conference... and he was telling us the website.... so we asked him what the URL was... and he was like... www.fukingyoung.com. When we first heard that... we all smirked.... but then he had to explain it to us so we can understand.... as if we didn't... "see... my name is... Fu-King Young... see?? fukingyoung.com??" HAHAHAAHAHA.... we were all laughing soooo hard at this point... Jon was laughing the hardest... trying to hold his laughter in.... hahahaha... okay, maybe it ain't as funny as I remembered it. And then I jumped out of bed cuz I was mad late for work.

God's Love vs Man's Love

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails." -1 Corinth. 13:4-8a

I'm sure most of you have been in relationships before and can see where I'm coming from. We have this hunger, this longing, for man's love. Why man's love?? Because we believe it can satisfy our needs, our desires, and selfishness. Because it's of the present, within grasp, and gives us temporary joy that may or may not lead to a lifetime of happiness. What do we look for in relationships? We look for someone to care for us, someone to laugh at our jokes, someone to cuddle up to, someone to share all our accomplishments, daily stories, and trials with, someone who can understand us, and someone who would appreciate us for who we are, someone to be that one true love.

And if you've been through relationships, reality tells us... there is no such thing as true love. Even if you think there is, it does not guarantee forever. Don't get me wrong here, I'm sure there are many couples who love each other deeply and respectfully. But the chances of that happening is close to slim. Just look at the divorce rate--- 50%. Doesn't happen too often to christians? wrong. Perhaps it doesn't happen too much to christians who are truly 100% grounded in faith. But for most of us average joes... with average faiths and average wisdom... our relationships are not grounded in God, we are, rather, grounded to ourselves. We do whatever that would make us happy, we don't even think for another second about making God happy, because it is our own relationship, and our own sinful pleasure we indulge in. How can you call this true love, if we only love ourselves?

Why do we long for man's love if it's nowhere near sufficient?? Why do we long for man's love if it doesn't guarantee forever? Do you think marriage would guarantee forever? Yes, it's a commitment between two people, but they can just as easily break that commitment and opt for divorce. The only thing you can do is HOPE for it to last, and hope that your "love" wouldn't break your heart. Relationships come and go, either you hurt, or you get hurt; either way someone always get hurt. It just doesn't guarantee forever. There is no backing for man's love.

With that said, you know what this is all leading to... God's love, the only love you can count on, the only love that can last perpetually.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately... We may never or can never be able to fathom the depth of His love. Why is this? As I have noted before...because we are selfish beings, and because we want what is now, what is seen, what is within grasp, and what can bring us temporary joy. We want this "joy" so much that we believe it can last forever, or vice versa, we don't really care what happens in the future, we just want the joy now. Time and time again, we betray Him, neglect Him, ignore Him, and most of all, we hurt Him. We hurt him because we don't understand His character, nor do we really try to. We do not appreciate the little things He's provided for us, but rather, curse Him with all the big things He has not yet provided for us. We neglect to see the tears in His eyes, and the hurt in His heart, everytime we sin. He wants so much for us to notice Him, to appreciate Him, to talk to Him daily, and to do everything for Him just because we want to, and because of the overflowing love we have for Him. And you know what? Unlike man's love, He will ALWAYS love you, no matter what you do, and no matter how much you continue to hurt Him, His love is everlasting.

In most relationships, we bounce the second that "happiness" leaves us, we jet the second we find out that "mutual" fondness no longer exists. We feel cheated, and short changed for putting in 100% while the other person only puts in enough effort for 50. And for what?? What is the point?? Why bother if you'd end up with less than you started with. Why put yourself through all that misery when you were never promised forever? The quote, "it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all...," doesn't make sense to me... Why put in all that effort to get nothing? Why leave a scar on your heart that didn't have to be there in the first place? Why put yourself through disappointment and heartache? Why put yourself through tears at night, or pangs of anger because you just can't forget the "good" times you've had and the "good" times you've yet to have? Why put your trust in man's love if it's all so worthless?

I have a million thoughts going through my mind... and you might be thinking... she's just bitter. Yes I am bitter. But I thank God for the reality check. There is no such thing as true love, and I should probably stay away from those korean soap operas that made me so hopeful... I probably will walk out of this a different person, a bitter old lady who will never trust men again. Going out this past weekend had made me realize and reconfirms the fact that, as if you dont know this about me already, all men are bastards--- okay, 99% of them are. They go to parties/clubs or whatnot to pick up chicks. They like you because you look "cute." They don't and can't see past that outer physical attraction, they are in it for one thing. I stood there dumbfounded, like a piece of meat. If I didn't look "cute" then who the hell would find me interesting, who would want to approach me?? No one. They don't see what I have to offer, they don't know how I am, they don't even know me. Someone once told me that I have no personality, I don't have any passions, and I live life aimlessly. Who am I? I'm glad God has blessed me with avg looks, but other than that, I really have no personality to back up my looks. I am just a wandering piece of nothingness. Piece of scum that still lives because I know God still loves me. He loves this piece of shit, even though I am so undeserving of His love. The only thing that's giving me a reason to exist is God. Without Him, I have nothing to live for, nothing to look forward to. Reality is just a rat race. You try to outrun each other for one goal, to achieve recognition from others. But what does that get you in the end? Nothing. They can't offer you jack. Only God can, He can offer you eternal life with Him, as HIS HEIRS. Yes, I don't deserve it, but He still loves me, and would do anything in His powers to win my love. God's love is the only love you can rely on, depend on, and always always trust on. His love NEVER fades, never fails, and He is always waiting for you. If that's not enough for you... I don't know what is....

"Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life." -Jude 1:21

Last thoughts: You are who loves you, NOT who you love. You are what loves you, NOT what you love. (I don't know if that made grammatical sense... but you know what I mean...)